“If they like you, you would know.”
“Maybe if I am patient enough, they will eventually be ready.”
“Don’t hate the player, hate the game.”
“They are just not that into you.”
Honestly, fuck that.
I hate these phrases. I find them problematic. They lack self-respect. They center others when you should be centering yourself. It’s people-pleasing. It’s codependent. It also makes something that is about someone else, a lot about you.
We often hear/say those phrases when our needs are not being met by someone else. These phrases are originally binary and romantic in nature, but what I am about to say here applies to all kinds of relationships.
How about, wait a minute, my fundamental needs aren’t being met, this person isn’t working for me right now. What am I going to do about that? If I was feeling confident in myself, what would I choose?
In my opinion, it’s not about what they think of you, it’s about what you think of yourself.
What about what you need? What about what they are not giving you? What YOU want is just as valuable as what they want.
Honor what you want. You deserve to have what you want! I promise you.
They aren’t texting you back the way you like?
They aren’t making time for you the way you like?
They don’t want what you want?
Have you told them?
Can they acknowledge and compromise? Adjust? Consider you?
Yes? No? Sometimes yes, sometimes no?
Does this inconsistency work for you?
My friend Maddie once said to me, “Whether it’s fear or your intuition, you’re getting important information.”
!!! (She’s a wise one)
Are they are giving you a feeling and is just not sitting right with you? We might think it’s fear. We might think it’s insecurity. Your body is powerful. Your body is telling you something isn’t right. Perhaps things are not in alignment with what you actually want, maybe your body is telling you that. This isn’t to discount any type of trauma that might be coming up. If you are feeling overwhelmed by the emotions that your body might be experiencing, I encourage you to reach out to a professional that is able to help you work through this. Here is small list of practitioners in the Los Angeles Area. Healing is possible.
We are built from a 3 part system (heart, mind, body). Often our mind is trying to fill in the blanks of what our body is experiencing. Breath through that (check out this Sensate Body Scan). Sometimes we need to be patient to see how things might evolve. But what decisions can you make that honor you? Tune in during this time. Figure out what you want and what you don’t want.
Someone who is in alignment with their truth won’t hesitate to tell you how they feel.
“Games” are bullshit.
When we don’t know what we want, we might tolerate others who also don’t know what they want. And that is a big pile of aksdhfkashfiuenvsji.
I think this challenge is about getting to know yourself. Liking the path you’re on. If you like your path you won’t go chasing after someone else’s (or something else) that is clearly not for you.
Get to Know Yourself:
In Regards to Others
What am I looking for in a relationship? Friendship? Partnership? Work?
What does commitment mean to me? What kind of commitment am I looking for from this person? How can I manage my expectations around this?
What do I need from someone in order to feel safe and supported?
What are some red flags (or dealbreakers) that I have encountered in the past?
What are some green flags that really light me up?
Within Yourself
What things do I do to show myself that I am committed to myself? List them.
What does it feel like in my body when I am feeling fully supported and safe?
Who makes me feel this way? Why do they make me feel this way?
What activities make me feel grounded and supported? Describe what they are and how they really make you feel.
When do I feel most authentically myself? My best self? Why do I feel so good in these situations?
What you write here are your standards for living. Relationships of any kind take work and go through waves. But if someone isn’t doing this work alongside you, are you really moving in the same direction? This even goes for the most casual of encounters. Awareness baby. We can love someone, feel really connected to someone, but sometimes we need to set someone free in order to grow into our most authentic selves (which is constantly evolving btw).
When you know your truth you respect someone else’s truth.
Human connection is essential. We heal in a relationship. Yes, I am all about self-worth and loving yourself. But the depth of our strong relationships is pivotal for us to feel bliss.
With a confident connection, ones that we do not chase, wait around for or feel rejected by, we get to experience the fullest bliss that is pleasure in a relationship!
Love your connections. With yourself, with others. Both should feel really really good. You deserve that.
A book to read and an account to follow:
The 4 Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. Unpack those limiting beliefs. A personal favorite of mine, “Nothing is Personal”. He unpacks that.
Dora Kamau: want to embody the present moment through meditation? I recommend her Sensate Body Scan meditation. Simple, easy to follow, practice makes perfect.
