One more time for the people in the back.
I want to reframe and discuss sex-negativity this time around.
I have been noticing sex-negativity creeps itself into our inherent reaction to things in ways we might not initially realize.
Unfortunately, sex is still very uncomfortable in today’s society (the patriarchy, capitalism, religion...). Communication about: sexual desires, wants, needs, STI statuses, comfortability, and consent are not normalized.
NEGATIVE MYTHS
People who have high sexual desire and/or multiple partners are considered to have a lack of self-respect or self-control.
People who have STIs are considered dirty, irresponsible, or doomed.
People who have a lower interest in sexual dynamics are considered boring, afraid, or have something “wrong” with them.
MYTH 1:
People who have high sexual desire and/or multiple partners are considered to have a lack of self-respect or self-control.
Let sluts be sluts.
Some people think about sex every day. Some people love to sexually connect with a variety of partners. Maybe they enjoy connecting physically with people. It’s fun for them. Casual sex means different things to different people. This could mean random hookups or this could mean sleeping with someone you’re regularly seeing. Whatever it is, if someone is having casual sex or has a “high number” of sexual partners, be mindful of your inherent biases. Were you raised to think this lifestyle was wrong? Maybe it’s not the choices that you feel comfortable with, but that is personal for you and doesn’t mean it’s wrong.
Some people use their bodies to connect deeper with others. Some people view it as a fun activity. This does not mean they are “easy” and say yes to everyone who comes their way. This also does not mean they have low standards. As long as everyone involved is doing so consensually, able to fulfill their daily responsibilities, and are most importantly happy, let them live and check out where your judgments might be coming from.
If you are someone who is having or thinking about sex often and willingly, ask yourself what about it do you enjoy? The strength you find in knowing why you do something will allow you to combat judgments other people might pass upon you.
And if you’re someone who is trying to understand why someone else has sex often, it is not your place to diagnose them. If you are not a trained professional or someone’s personal therapist, it’s not your job to try to tell them they’re living life without intention and dignity. If you are intimately interacting with someone who has different lifestyle choices than you and you find yourself uncomfortable within that relationship, reflect on whether this is really the right person for you. Just because they are not the right person for you doesn’t mean they are living their life the wrong way.
Personal anecdote: I view sex as a way to connect deeper with someone. It is essential for me to have emotional intimacy with someone. I have spent the time getting to know my body and what makes me happy. Sex makes me happy. Connecting with people makes me happy. And I connect with quite easily and deeply. And when it doesn’t make me happy for whatever reason, I GTFO (and sometimes I stumble out the door). It took a long time for me to understand this about myself and I’ve had a lot of judgment passed upon me. When I took the time to understand what sex means to me, I began to have more confidence in my choices. Because they are MY choices and they are important to me.
Powerful Educators: @gspot._, @yourdiagnonsense, @givingthetalk, @afrosexology_
Myth 2:
People who have STIs are considered dirty, irresponsible, or doomed.
If you have an STI, welcome to the club.
You don’t need a password to get into this club, it’s not exclusive or anything, it’s actually one of the world’s most popular and largest clubs.
I am going to talk about the two most common STIs:
#1 HPV!
Apparently, 90% of people have HPV… uh, what? Vagina holders only know when they get their PAPs, and penis holders.. well.. most of them don’t ever know. As queen Ali Wong says, “If you don't have HPV yet, you're a fucking loser.”
Personal Anecdote: I first got HPV when I was 23 and I had a mental breakdown. My doctor gave me a hug and told me not to worry too much... And then... It went away. That is because the vagina is a magical place. Oh, but then I got it again at 29! And after some serious cervical drama, it went away… again. Of course, it doesn’t always just go away. And of course, I cried a lot over this. But if you have HPV and are confused or scared about it, phone a friend (me). After learning the hard way I know what to ask the doctor, it doesn’t need to be an emotional rollercoaster, but the information is important.
Also, this is a PSA for the vagina holders to get their annual PAP.
It’s free if you have insurance, otherwise, we have Planned Parenthood! If you don’t have a clinic near you, there are a lot of nonprofits that help vagina holders get the healthcare they need.
#2 Yay Herpes!
I love herpes because it’s laughable how afraid of it everyone is. 1 in 3 people have Herpes. That’s right. How many drunk make-outs did you participate in your 20’s? How many times have you/someone go down on you without a condom or a dental dam? How many times did your great aunt give you a kiss with a cold sore on her lip? Every cold sore ever is herpes. Cold sores are herpes.
I love that Demetri Martin quote “glitter is the herpes of craft supplies”. I love it because not only is it true, but glitter is fun. Oops, I am not saying herpes is fun, I just enjoy that it’s being compared to glitter and not the bubonic plague. Herpes is so easily transmitted (like glitter), but it’s so shameful? I am not saying this to you to freak you out, I am saying this to you so we can normalize herpes…
There’s a reason why there’s no cure for it – because it’s pretty damn harmless. The CDC doesn’t even recommend it be included in the standard STI panel! Most people who have herpes, don’t even know they have it! Some people NEVER show symptoms! So next time you pass some judgment on someone who has herpes, go get tested yourself. If you want to be a respectful sexual partner, it’s important to know what you carry.
If someone discloses to you that they have herpes and you find yourself uncomfortable by it, it’s because you're ignorant. Yikes, I used the “i” word. I realize this sounds aggressive, but it’s important to check out where your biases come from. Ask questions, learn more.
If you find yourself diagnosed with herpes or any other STI, there is nothing gross, shameful, or embarrassing about it. Sex is meant to be wonderful, sometimes there are some side effects. Children are pretty great too but they are massive virus machines and we don’t shame them. Take care of that inner child and don’t shame them if you find yourself with an STI. Just take care of yourself, know your status, get your meds, be healthy, do your best.
People are weird about STIs because our society shames sex. Don’t be one of those people. And I want to reinforce how important it is to ask someone their STI status and be upfront about it yourself. It’s how we cultivate trust, respect, and openness. Communication builds more meaningful relationships.
Powerful Educators: @honmychest, @safe.slut, @sexelducation, @biglovefiercejuju
MYTH 3:
People who have a lower interest in sexual dynamics are considered boring, afraid, or have something “wrong” with them.
Sexual desire is a beautiful wonderful spectrum.
Do you know someone who just doesn’t want to get it on, maybe ever? Have you found yourself thinking they need therapy? That they should just go for it? That they need a nice partner to make them feel cozy and open up their sexuality? That could be true! But they could also just have no drive to have sexual intercourse with someone. I know this might sound crazy coming from me, but there’s more to life than sex.
Some people are only interested in romantic connections.
Some people have a lot going on in their lives.
Some people just enjoy the company of others but aren’t interested in anything romantic and sexual.
Some people are demisexual and only want to have sex with someone they are romantically and emotionally close to. I bet many more of you can relate to that more than you realized.
ACE awareness is really important. Because again, our society shames sex. Our society shames the sluts and the sexually disinterested. What the hell. We believe there is something wrong with us if we don’t want to have sex but are disturbed if we want it all the time? I think it’s important to ask yourself what is more important to me than sex? If you find yourself not really interested in sex, I encourage you to read about the ACE spectrum. I want to reinforce the word spectrum.
Personal anecdote: I have been with people who are just not as interested in sex as I am. I dated someone who I grew quite fond of, he said to me “I wish society didn’t deem sex as essential for romantic relationships.” He didn’t want to have sex as I did, and I thought there was something wrong with him. I made him feel like he needed help. I feel really disappointed that I couldn’t have been a better ally for someone who was confused about their sexual desire. I was confused too, and this is why education is important. The more education we do, the less shame spreads. That being said, it’s important to honor your needs while not judging someone else’s. You can do both at the same time.
If you find yourself confused about what you desire sexually, again, ask yourself what sex means for you. What is going on in your life that is making you sexually disinterested? Is this something you’ve been struggling with for a short period or since you can remember? Tune into your body and be honest with yourself. And I apologize on behalf of society that no one prepared us for understanding the incredible spectrum that is sexuality.
Fundamentally, how other people choose to interact sexually or romantically is none of your business. But if you’re so curious about it, I of course encourage you to educate yourself. The best way to do that is to start with yourself.
Powerful Educators: @evyan.whitney, @theyasminbenoit, @froeticsexology
Questions to ask yourself:
If you enjoy sex, what kind of sex do you enjoy? It can be as innocent as “I like when we hold hands.” or as raunchy as “I like they slap my ass so hard they leave a handprint.” Ask yourself why you like these things. Get specific.
What do you not like about sex? Again, as simple as “I don’t like it when my partner hasn’t showered.” or less common like “I didn’t like that threesome we had that one time”. Ask yourself why you don’t like these things.
How often do you desire sex? If you haven’t found yourself that interested, how long have you been feeling this?
Is there a reason as to why you haven’t been interested in sex?
When was the last time you got STI tested? (You have to ask them to test for herpes, ask.)
When was the last time your partner(s) got tested? When was the last time I asked?
Knowing who you are and being confident in how you feel and what you want is the way to normalize sex-positivity.
Happy Humpday,
Lizzy
