I’ve been thinking a lot about my high expectations. I want things. I am a dreamer, a fantasizer, I get caught up in my imagination. It’s fun. Let me dream.
But, what about having too high of expectations?
Having too high of expectations is not the same as dreaming, fantasizing, or imagining.
Having too high of expectations is not the same thing as having standards.
People seem to get these confused. I get these confused. So I am writing about the differences.
Here’s an easy one.
Which ones are standards:
“I hope they take me out to an expensive fancy dinner on my birthday.”
“I want them to celebrate my birthday with me.”
“I’d like them to wish me a happy birthday.”
“I know they will care about me if they spend my entire birthday weekend showing me that they love me.”
Answer: 2 & 3. (Tomorrow is my birthday, I have birthday brain.)
If you have a close relationship with someone, you’re allowed to expect them to wish you a happy birthday. You are allowed to expect them to want to celebrate your birthday with you. This is a relationship standard. You are allowed to be disappointed if they don’t. If you are dating someone, you’re allowed to expect them to show up for you on your birthday! You are allowed to be disappointed if they don’t!
Notice how I use the word “for” here. Not on, for. An unrealistic expectation is for people to drop their lives for you to celebrate your *insert important occasion here*. It is a standard to expect a close friend or romantic partner to show you some love for your *insert important occasion here*. It’s not about how they show it, it’s if they show it at all. And if they can’t, hopefully they can communicate why clearly. Here’s a good reference point.
Now about the feelings around unmet expectations.
Disappointment. Disappointment isn’t a scarlet letter. It’s a temporary feeling that will pass as your life goes on. We try to fight disappointment at all costs, but it’s part of life.
It’s okay to feel disappointed! And it’s okay if someone is disappointed by you. I also use “by” here intentionally, rather than “in”. When disappointment occurs, it’s usually about an action item, it’s not you and your entire essence of a person. It’s about holding space for your feelings and for each other.
Disappointment and gratitude can coexist. Let yourself be disappointed by one thing and grateful for something else. Nothing is permanent.
Moving on.
In Dating:
I have dated many a person who told me to have “no expectations” from them. That is basically someone asking me to not hold them accountable for any behavior. That’s someone telling me that they are going to center themselves in our situationship and any feelings I have on the matter aren’t justified. It is a get-out-of-fail-free card. If someone says this to you, be honest about what you are looking for from them.
A lovebomber might throw this at you as a “pull away tactic.” 🙄 More on this another time.
If you are looking for something casual… with fewer expectations (aka responsibilities, considerations, prioritization), I think a better way to say that is... “I am looking for something casual.” And you should say that when you first meet someone. So that they can manage their expectations before even getting to know you on a more intimate level. Get to know yourself. More on this another time.
I expect someone I am romantic with to respect my time. I expect them to connect with me emotionally and physically. I expect them to hear me and want to see me. I expect someone to be truthful with their word. If someone can’t do that for you, tell them to leave you alone. Honestly though, I have these expectations for all my close relationships. These expectations are standards, and if they are too high for someone else, then that person isn’t the right match. I am not talking about grand gestures, I am talking about basic needs. Human decency.
In Life:
We have standards for living. I am privileged enough to expect my electricity to be working. I expect my mom to call me back if she doesn't pick up right away. I expect my flight to be on time. Although it usually isn’t, which makes me uncomfortable, and I have no choice but to sit with it.
I think it’s about being comfortable with the uncomfortable. If things don’t go the way you want them to, instead of shaming yourself for being upset, accept that you feel bothered, and understand the reality of the current situation. Expectations are about understanding reality and holding space for your feelings and whoever else’s are involved.
Everyone is always doing their best. Is someone not showing up for you the way they used to? The way you want them to? No matter the reality of it, neither party is less than. It doesn’t mean that behavior should be pardoned. Maybe you could use your empathy tool. It probably means feelings should be communicated and potentially the dynamic addressed or reassessed. Communication. Boundaries. Standards.
Live your life and have your expectations. They have gotten you this far.
As always, just my thoughts! 😘
Inspirational Gems 💎✨🔥
I always really enjoy Todd Baratz’s very brash and playful life advice.
I Subscribe to Rob Walker’s the Art of Noticing and he has a series called Ice Breakers. This week he referenced this list of more meaningful (interesting) questions you can ask others, maybe on some dates. Try this instead of the NYT 36 Questions That Lead to Love…
And if you are looking for some sexually explicit how-to’s, I highly recommend Goody Howard’s replays.
Here is a January 2022 Pleasure Playlist for you. Expect this monthy. 🔥
Ask Me AnYtHiNg 🔥⁉️😅
Oh gosh, I am giving free advice. Not that I didn’t do that anyway. But go ahead, ask me something. I will answer it here, anonymously in this newsletter. Your curiosity and confusion are for the greater good.
Coming Soon
I am writing an Ethical Dating Handbook. I am excited about it. That’s all for now.
