To be very vulnerable with you, I had planned a workshop this past Saturday that basically unpacked The Four Agreements and dating mindset but I decided to bail.
I had this moment of self-doubt. I have a lot of shame around selling it. Arguably, this is primarily a self-worth issue, feeling people don’t want to spend the money to learn from me and it’s irritating to others for me to self-promote. This is a lie stemming from insecurity. I realized this insecurity is coming from somewhere else.
I have been working through a transitionary period with friendships. As I enter this new period in life, some friendships have changed or whittled away. I found myself making assumptions as to why. Is it because I am becoming more direct in my communication style? Is it because I have become overzealous in talking about sex ed and relationships and sharing my opinions? Is it because I party less? Or is it something else that hasn’t occurred to me? Then I realized, that I like these new things about myself, and it’s okay if others don’t! I needed to practice The Four Agreements to keep myself grounded and feel free of this insecurity!
If you don’t know, The Four Agreements is a book by Don Miguel Ruiz. His philosophy is based on Toltec wisdom. In Mexico, the Toltecs were known as “men and women of knowledge” who studied ancient philosophies at Teotihuacan, the ancient pyramids outside Mexico City.
Essentially, it is about the unity of truth present in all esoteric traditions around the world. The goal is to essentially combat shame and practice acceptance. “Our image of perfection is the reason we reject ourselves; it is why we don’t accept ourselves the way we are, and why we don’t accept others the way they are.”
In my opinion, The Four Agreements are an essential and simple (yet, kinda complicated and take a lot of practice) philosophy for navigating relationships.
Let’s break them down:
1) Be Impeccable With Your Word
“Word can create the most beautiful dream or your word can destroy everything around you.”
We are hugely impacted by the words we hear from others. From a young age, our family gave their opinions about us. What other people say about us can influence how we think about ourselves. What better does a young person know than to listen to the figures of authority in their lives?
To be impeccable means to be without sin. What is sin? Anything you do that goes against yourself. You do not honor yourself when you judge yourself. When you are impeccable, you do not judge, you take responsibility.
“Your opinion is nothing but your point of view. It is not necessarily true. Your opinion comes from your beliefs, your own ego, and your own dream.”
AGREEMENT 1 IN PRACTICE:
Measure the impeccability of your word by your level of self-respect.
How you feel about yourself is directly proportionate to the quality and integrity of your word.
Watch your gossiping. (Yikes, our society THRIVES on gossip.) Gossip is your opinion. Don’t let your word spread poison and affect others.
Whenever we hear an opinion and absorb it, it becomes a part of our belief system. Help your relationships thrive. What we say to each other matters.
2) Don’t Take Anything Personally
“Personal importance, or taking things personally, is the maximum expression of selfishness because we make the assumption that everything is about “me”.”
Nothing other people do, say, want, or need is because of you. It’s because of themselves. If you feel offended by what someone else says and your reaction is to get defensive, this means you might need to make everyone else wrong in order for you to be right. This is your opinion, your problem, not someone else’s. And visa versa!
It’s your choice to believe what others think is more important than how you feel about yourself. Ruiz and the Toltecs call the voices in our head “mitote”. This is why humans have a hard time knowing who they are and what they want! Some parts of the mind want one thing, and other parts want something else. Ah, decision-making! This is us not agreeing with ourselves.
AGREEMENT 2 IN PRACTICE:
Take inventory of who you are. What do you believe? What are your values? What kind of relationships do you want to have?
Learn to trust yourself to make the right choices instead of looking outward and listening to others’ opinions. Trust yourself. This will help you be a better decision-maker.
Understand, when someone doesn’t “choose you”, it is not personal to you, it is personal to themselves.
3) Don’t Make Assumptions
“It is always better to ask questions than to make an assumption, assumptions set us up for suffering.”
We are afraid to ask for clarification. We make assumptions. It’s a protection mechanism. Ironically it creates sadness and stress. No one knows what you are thinking or feeling. You need to tell them! You need to ask them!
We have this need to know everything. We need constant justification. We need this to feel safe. We need our questions answered, it doesn’t matter if the answer is right, it’s just the answer itself that is needed. (This is where the need for closure comes in.) This is why we make assumptions. It feels safer to know the reason than have there be none. Even before someone has the chance to reject us, we reject ourselves. Safety mechanism!
Real love is acceptance. It is accepting other people and not trying to change them. Your love can never change anyone. Only they can change themselves.
AGREEMENT 3 IN PRACTICE:
The best way to keep yourself from making assumptions is to ask questions!
With clear communication, all of your relationships will change.
With practice, you will feel free of the fear of rejection because you will learn to ask before you assume.
4) Always Do Your Best
“When you always do your best, you take action - because you love it, not because you’re expecting a reward.”
And the thing about doing your best is that it changes from moment to moment. One moment your best is getting out of bed and the other it’s getting a promotion. Once you understand this, you learn to accept yourself and others. You gain awareness and learn from your mistakes. It takes practice.
When you are doing your best, you feel enjoyment. It’s not because you are doing it for someone else and to please other people. You don’t do it because you think you’ll have negative repercussions if you don't. You say no when you want to say no, and yes when you want to say yes. It’s honest. You’re being yourself and you have that right.
AGREEMENT 4 IN PRACTICE:
If you fail, don’t judge yourself! You are not a victim because you did not do your best in this one moment.
It all just takes practice, if you break an agreement, just begin again with that newly gained self-awareness.
We can only live one day at a time.
By doing your best, the habits of misusing your word, taking things personally, and making assumptions will become weaker and less frequent with time.
ASK YOURSELF
What agreement do you struggle with the most?
Is there one that resonates with you the most?
How will you apply these to your relationships with other people?
You need commitment and practice to master The Four Agreements. It’s difficult to fight the patterns that are instilled in our societies. It’s how we're raised to survive. But a life without drama is the kind of life I look to lead. Woof! I know I am not in my full wisdom of The Four Agreements at all times, but all I can do is try!
Happy you’re here on this journey with me.
Lizzy
P.S.
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You guessed it. It’s The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. If you haven’t picked up your copy yet, please do! It’s incredibly digestible and basically a pocketbook.
Also, I do feel skeptical about certain minds behind philosophy, depending on if they use their powers for good or evil. I have looked into some things about DMR being a cult leader. Does anyone have any more info on this?
Personally, this belief system resonates with me. But I am not planning on going on any guru-led retreats to cure myself. I think this wisdom is a nice thought process, he’s not magical or more powerful than you or me. Where’s the line on paying people for their guidance and taking advantage?
I’d love to talk more about this! Reply to this email and let me know your thoughts!
So beautifully presented and good advice for everyone, no matter your stage in life!