Welcome, 2024. A new year does feel refreshing, whether it’s a birth year or a calendar year, or even a new moon - we revel in newness. Newness gives us energy and motivation. It can be both terrifying and exciting.
Before I dive into all this freshness, I want to acknowledge that I’ve been silent for the past few months. I tend to turn inward vs outward to the internet in December. This happens every year. Perhaps it’s the pile of emotions that have built up over the year, the sentimentality of the holiday season and the social demands, or the fact that work always feels wild ‘n crazy before the year closes. Personal pleasure is sacrificed for me in December. But, with this sacrifice, comes clarity and a reset of intentions. A reminder to prioritize my pleasure, otherwise I could lose myself in the chaos of life!
So here we are. Recomitting to pleasure.
Full disclosure I failed my November Pleasure Goals (watercoloring & meditating). But honestly, that’s okay with me. They are not going anywhere. These intentions are still a part of me, and I never want pleasure to feel forced. I just wanted to eat cookies and read my books (unplanned pleasure goals). Pleasure practices can surprise you.
Tomorrow I turn 33. So instead my monthly pleasure goals are yearly pleasure goals. Big mamas.
I will learn to DJ: I have wanted to be a DJ since I was 12. I don’t have the patience or time to teach myself or learn from a buddy. I have tried this. I need accountability. I want to curate and educate. This year I am vowing to learn how to DJ. And I am putting money where my mouth is, and paying for a course.
Dancing once a week (with my partner): On NYE my partner came home from dinner at 9 pm and danced for a little. The next day he turned to me and said, “That was nice, let’s do that at least once a week.” I have planted this seed a while ago. But It’s nice when someone else is naturally on board. Here’s to weekly dance parties. I already DJ them. Our other yearly relationship intentions are to be more decisive, not take things personally, and remember to fully trust each other. And thank god we both love to boogie.
Build community: Something I’ve learned as I’ve aged is my close personal relationships that are bred on vulnerability are the most enriching ones. The rest tire me. I’ve learned from Flossy Parties and my workshops that vulnerability, intimacy, and sexuality go hand and hand. Connection is key. But finding the right community takes exploration. And sometimes you have to build it for yourself with people who you align with. Some communities I admire are Loud Community and By Way of Us. This year I am growing Club BodyTalk into a more intentional community of sexual wellness-minded and curious folks (vs straight-up sex ed). I want to curate and educate. Keep posted to see how this grows. Here’s a peek:
Do you have a new year of life goal for yourself this year? And you’re just looking for the clock to strike “I’m older” to accomplish this?
Desire Differentiation.
I know I’ve talked about this before, but it bears repeating. Sexual desire is not a linear experience. There are months, even years where you can be the horniest person in your friend group. And then the next thing you know, you only want sex if it’s the early afternoon on a Saturday and your house is a warm 79 degrees, you’ve already eaten breakfast, cleaned the kitchen, done a load of laundry and you’ve changed into your favorite clean and comfy outfit… And then a month later you’re ready to go every MWF. And then you have a 3-month dry spell. You get my point.
Congratulations you’re like every other person in the world. They just haven’t told you that. Everyone thinks everyone else is having more sex than them.
Desire differentiation is one of the most common reasons why couples go to sex therapy. While it’s important to acknowledge the amount of sex you want to be having, it’s more important to understand why. Does sex make you feel close and bonded to your partner? Does it make you feel validated? Does it make you feel energized, calm, or relieved? Why? Is it an identity you are playing into or is it authentic? Where are there turn offs and why? All good things to know. :)
Remember, sex is not a drive, nothing happens if you don’t get it. That doesn’t mean your sexual desire, whatever it looks like, isn’t valid. Sex is ONE nice way of connecting with people. We thrive in connection with others.
So if you’re sexual desire feels new or is changing, notice that and respect it. Staying the same isn’t interesting.
Anyway, do what all the cool girls, guys, and peeps do. Read Come As You Are if you haven’t already.
Cheers,
💖 Lizzy
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