Intimacy. A term that has a myriad of definitions. But what is it really? How do we know when someone is expressing it? And how do we cultivate more of it?
Human beings are messy. We are imperfect. We are constantly learning. Believe it or not, these characteristics are all contributors toward connection. And even desire. To cultivate intimacy, we have to hold space for ourselves and each other’s imperfections. Imperfections are subjective anyways.
Intimacy is important in all relationships. With partners, friends, family, and most importantly yourself.
What Is Intimacy?
Intimacy is vulnerability. You have to be vulnerable to receive vulnerability from another. That’s how you open the portal to intimacy.
Intimacy is transparency. We need to allow our essential self to shine through to allow others into our hearts. No matter the outcome. It’s honest. It’s having integrity. Self-disclosure builds confidence and trust. Sharing breeds openness.
Intimacy is availability. It is an emotional presence. Being non-judgmental when listening to others. It’s holding space for someone and their experience, giving them confidence.
Intimacy is communication. Communication is more than just using our words. How can we show people what we mean? How can we touch them to show that we are present? How can we be flexible to meet each other’s needs?
Intimacy is about comfort. How can you show someone that you aren’t going anywhere then they open up? It’s about closeness and affection. How can you take new risks in your relationships knowing that there’s comfort on the other end? Risk-taking met with comfort creates safety, trust, and growth.
Intimacy is about boundaries. Which often go overlooked. How can we communicate our needs and boundaries while being open-hearted? Boundaries instill trust, respect, and independence, which can create a safeguard for openness and desire. What might feel like rejection could also be a boundary. Rejection deserves grace.
Intimacy is knowing yourself. Part of knowing your boundaries is connected to knowing what you truly enjoy. What really feels good for you. Understanding what brings you personal pleasure is a stepping stone to cultivating intimacy.
“For the erotic is not a question only of what we do; it is a question of how acutely and fully we can feel in the doing. Once we know the extent to which we are capable of feeling that sense of satisfaction and completion, we can then observe which of our various life endeavors bring us closest to that fullness.”
- Audre Lorde
Listen to Audre Lorde ready her essay Uses of the Erotic: The Erotic As Power
If all these are needed to cultivate intimacy, then when you are first dating someone, intimacy hasn’t been cultivated yet. It comes with knowing and trusting someone. Intimacy comes with effort.
And something interesting to note, some things that make for good intimacy, don’t make for good sex.
So where do intimacy and independence rub against each other?
Psychologist Esther Perel in her book Mating in Captivity notes that “increased emotional intimacy is often accompanied with decreased sexual desire.” Wait... what?! She continues, “perhaps the way we construct closeness reduces the sense of freedom and autonomy needed for sexual pleasure. When intimacy collapses into fusion, it is not for lack of closeness but too much closeness that impeded desire.”
When you are getting to know a stranger, it is exciting to focus on connection because there already is distance. They are a stranger. But you want to be close to someone. You want intimacy. But you also want good sex. So what now?
Intimacy is not closeness which means a lack of otherness. Space is necessary for the desire to thrive. Aloneness is not the same as loneliness. To have both intimacy and desire, Esther Perel recommends cultivating your separate self. Not run by anxiety for connection and safety. You do you. Get to know yourself. Live YOUR life.
Exercises for building intimacy
while still cultivating desire:
Spend some time alone, doing things that make you happy. When we know what fills us up with pure pleasure (doesn’t have to be sexual) we can bring that to the table in any of our personal encounters. The more we spend time doing things that make us happy, the more familiar we become with those feelings.
Engage in a question card game. Some of my favorites are Where Should We Begin - A Game of Stories by Esther Perel, We’re Not Really Strangers Card Game, and Connections.
Try something new. Create a list of mutual things neither of you of done before. Find the time to do them together periodically.
Watch your partner in their element, as an onlooker, seeing them as an outsider. Is there something that piques your interest? Or surprises you? Maybe that’s at a concert or with their friends, letting them do their thing. Not centering yourself in their experience, but enjoying watching them be their authentic selves.
Pleasure Mapping: Explore different areas of your body at a time, using different types of touch, temperatures, textures, or your mouth. This can be done alone or with a partner. You are scanning your body, discovering which sensations feel the nicest for you. Give yourself some personal time to do this. Maybe even tell your partner? That sounds mysterious and desire-provoking to me.
Try focusing on one non-penetrative exercise at a time. Eye gazing, kissing, touching, hugging, exclusively for 5-10 minutes at a time. Afterward, name the emotions and sensations that you experienced.
Watch porn together. Of course, this isn’t for everyone, if porn isn’t your thing. Discuss the feelings and/or desires that came up afterward. Likes and dislikes?
Have any thoughts on this email? Feel free to reply to me here, I’d love to talk more about it with you!
Thanks all for now,
❤️🔥 Your sex & dating advice friend, Lizzy